Your Faith
Representing God Well to Teens
Introduction
Recently, I have spoken with numerous teens who are really struggling. A couple of them are feeling confused, frustrated, and unsure if they still want to follow Christ. At first, I have to admit I felt alarmed. But as I started to spend more time with them to hear their hearts, I had a better idea of what was going on.
When my teens ask the hard questions about how their faith fits in their life, or helps in the real world, it lets me know that they are in the process of taking ownership of their faith and beginning to differentiate from their parents. This struggle reveals that they are right on target in their spiritual development! If they aren’t asking the hard questions or wrestling with disappointment, they will never grow into mature Disciples of Christ. In these difficult days, our teens need adults who will offer understanding, listen more than lecture, and be willing to bless more than just discipline.
A Covenant Model
In his book, How to Get the Family You’ve Always Wanted, Martin Sanders introduces a family model that I find refreshing. He calls it the “covenant model.” In it he outlines the idea that in a covenant, we are called to represent God to one another. Parents represent God to their children and children represent the aspects of God that they love to their parents and one another.
Offer Understanding
In 1 Peter 3:7, advice is given to husbands to live with their wives in an understanding way so that their prayers will not be hindered. I think that this verse not only applies to wives, but can apply to teenagers as well. When we are understanding to our teenagers, our prayers are not hindered. This may not come easy when our teens are wrestling with drugs and alcohol or befriending the wrong people. Yet this is essential in representing God well to them. Think about it. Isn’t this one of your favorite qualities about God? He gets you. He understands your uniqueness and your struggles, and He helps you through each one. Will He not do the same with your teen? Help them see God in you by offering understanding.
Listen more than lecture
Ron Walborn, one of my mentors, has great insight into this from parenting his four children. He was sharing with me how it’s a natural tendency to want to dip into our reservoir of experience, knowledge, and beliefs with the desire to help. A certain behavior or reaction may trigger in us a desire to correct them. In these cases we win the battle for behavior but lose the battle for their hearts. If we focus on their hearts, their minds and behavior will grow into what we expect.
Therefore, when confronted with difficult situations, my approach has been to get my teens talking. What are you wrestling with? How does this situation make you feel? I’ve noticed that learning to ask good questions has made a huge difference. By listening without judgment, and giving them complete attention, they feel loved. So let’s create an environment where they feel like they will be heard.
Blessing over Discipline
Discipline is an important tool for parents. I would be remiss if I didn’t emphasize that up front. However, many a parent can excel at discipline but miss the power that blessing has in the life of their children. 1 Peter 3:9 goes on to say, “Do not repay evil for evil or reviling for reviling, but on the contrary, bless, for to this you were called, that you may obtain a blessing.”
Sanders goes on to say, “…blessing provides an impetus, security, desire, value and much more…it says to someone: you are valuable, you matter, I care, I want the best for you, you can do something or be someone useful.”
Any opportunity I have, whether on Facebook, texting, or face-to-face, I bless my students. I will speak of the good that they are doing. I will speak the truth of Scripture over them even if I do not see it manifesting in their life quite yet. I see myself as sowing seeds into their soul, that it would bear the fruit of integrity, character, and Godliness.
Process doesn’t always look like progress
The Christian life is not a linear process. In his book Emotionally Healthy Spirituality, Pete Scazzero sees the Christian life as a journey. “Journeys involve movement, action, stops and starts, detours, delays, and trips into the unknown.” With every phase of this journey, eventually we all face what Scazzero calls “The Wall.” The Wall appears through a crisis that turns our world upside down. Scazzero goes on to write, “This is God’s way of rewiring and ‘purging our affections and passions’ that we might delight in his love and enter into a richer, fuller communion with him…[God] works to free us from unhealthy attachments and idolatries of the world.”
When our teens hit the Wall, it feels like they have lost their faith, like God is no longer with them and their prayers are not being answered. They begin to panic, and often we panic as well. But for our teens, this is a natural and normal part of their spiritual development. If they are growing in Christ, a tried and true test is how they walk through their Wall. This will help them take ownership of their faith rather than hang on to their parents’ coat tails.
When my students come to me wrestling with their faith, I remember that this is natural. I can pray, coach, and model my life to them, but ultimately I have to trust that God knows what He is doing in their lives. This is difficult and requires courage and trust. At this point in time, I’m still journeying with my students. I don’t know where they will end up in terms of faith, but I’m praying hard, offering understanding, listening, and blessing them. 